Kiss
Puke
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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