I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
