OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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