A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
