I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
