I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
