Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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