My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
