As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
