went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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