Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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