The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
