i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
