oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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