I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
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I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
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If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I did not marry a roomba.
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