Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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