My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
