Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
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Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
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Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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