Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
