So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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