I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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