you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
well you can't waste a boner
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
