it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
So here I am, sexting at work.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
