It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
