I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
