I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
