i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
