Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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