Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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