as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
