You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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