Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
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