Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
