Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
