oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
