Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
