he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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