last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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