i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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