someone threw a dead crab at me
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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