there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
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