I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
