my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
even my farts smell like vagina
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
