So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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