but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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