I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
