Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
