one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
