My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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