If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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