The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
