when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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