i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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