Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Im part way to drunk.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
