At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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