Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
