I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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