I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
