After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
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if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
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I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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