I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
