I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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