did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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