so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Say something about gay babies.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
