I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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